Wow.

While writing about my 2016 rabbit hole in the last blog post - 🔗view here🔗, I came across these screenshots of when I was away at university [this was 2015].

At the time, I was having consistent panic attacks brought on by confusion, layered on top of academic pressure. The messages I received during that season were what tough love and encouragement looked like to me.

It worked.. I graduated with honors, but at what cost?

In the previous post, I wrote about how I couldn’t grieve because I was avoiding my reality. That is partly true. I did not grieve because I really did not have the opportunity to. When you don’t yet know what safety feels like, a firm message can feel like passion and pressure can feel like care. Most times, that's really just as far as they can meet you, so the deeper things remain untouched. Only Jesus can reach that deeply.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time to mourn, and the full verse has been echoing differently in my mind lately. If there is a time to mourn, this implies there are also seasons when mourning cannot yet take place, because the conditions aren’t right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PAUSE

If you recognized yourself in the above, pause here with me.

What you experienced was emotional invalidation, even if it wasn't the intention. Your strength was emphasized more than your safety. That can help someone function in the short term, but often creates long-term costs. It can quietly distort how you relate to yourself. You begin to doubt your own emotions and perceptions. You question whether what you’re feeling is legitimate. You suppress needs. You feel weak for struggling. Burnout shows up later. Healing gets delayed.

Support might look like:

• Rest instead of pushing
• Talking instead of isolating
• Prayer instead of pressure
• Compassion instead of criticism
  

You are allowed to honor the strength it took to get through your toughest seasons, and still give yourself what you didn’t receive. You give that to yourself, by feeling it and giving it to God. Once you feel it, then you move forward. DO NOT live in the grief and make it become an idol. Every single thing I talk about in this blog is about balance. Carry the awareness of your past forward, and rest in the safety of your Heavenly Father.

The Lord provides the healing. Pray without ceasing! Take it easy, beautiful soul. <3