While most are sharing throwbacks and reflecting on 2016, I remember it as one of my lowest seasons. I was just coming out of a confusing entanglement situation that I couldn't wrap my mind around. I saw things I shouldn’t have, and even then, I STILL resisted believing what was right in my face. My discernment was compromised. That's what happens when no one tells you the truth, and when you also don't listen to your gut. You can't receive clarity if you're also lying to yourself. 2016 was the root of my unraveling.

Breaking free from a relationship that deceived me and a friendship I was deluded by didn’t happen through wisdom or my own strength. It required divine interruption and rejection for me to wake up. And when the veil was lifted and my heart was broken, instead of running toward God, I ran to false wisdom.

False Wisdom

I went deeper into astrology and learning about personality systems from a new-age perspective. It became a language and a lens (an idol) through which I tried to understand myself and others. I was convinced it gave me “peace,” and “understanding” because the accuracy of the information felt safe. But underneath it was really deception and avoidance. I didn’t need more insight; I needed to GRIEVE, to cry, to be angry, to scream. But I became obsessed with trying to understand the confusion I was under, only to fall deeper into it. I learned to see myself and others based on labels and complex mathematical frameworks. Leaving it all behind was another thing I had to grieve deeply once I had the revelation that it was NOT of God.

This is what happens when you don’t truly grieve. When silence feels unsafe, you fill it with information (or numbing yourself in other ways). For me, "knowing" felt more productive than feeling. I would much rather dissect pain with language than sit with it before God.

So 2016 became my rabbit hole year.

Have you ever had one of those seasons? I wrote the letters to forgive and release my past into the “universe.” I bought the crystals for their calming and protective properties (which I've since discarded). I believed I was on this great healing journey.

If this is you, or if this was you at some point, hear my heart: you may have unknowingly opened a door you have no business entertaining. This also relates to all the other systems, such as reiki, tarot, going to psychics and the like. Closing that door requires prayer, renunciation, and truth. And if you feel the urge to justify it, that’s likely pride speaking. I say this from experience, observation and with love: It won’t end well..especially if you are aware. My ignorance protected me to a degree, and God's grace + mercy is what saved me. He has a different purpose for my mind and gifts. -- 🔗Read this post: Respect vs. Rituals🔗.
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^{That season was me seeking relief in the wrong places. When I look back at photos from then, I see a young, insecure girl with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex (as they say), searching for direction. I see the lowest point of my health, mentally and physically hiidden behind my smile and the filters.}

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So much pain, false relief, and still no true surrender.

In 2017, I came out of isolation and was able to laugh deeply again, the kind of laughter that brings you back to life. I connected with a familiar soul who messaged me when I was at my lowest. He asked to meet, and we shared the very same wounds. We filled a void for each other, but we both still needed to grieve. In the meantime, we took care of each other, laughed a lot, healed in part, and released each other with love after 2 years.

I then threw myself into entrepreneurship. I went all in, losing $18k of my savings in a desperate pursuit of "freedom". Once again, I found myself in a confusing situation, entangled in a business partnership that lacked clarity. But I caught it quickly. I recognized the spirit behind the confusion because it felt like that of my past. I walked away with no money to my name, BUT with wisdom, and a quiet confidence that I didn't stay silent, blind, or passive about the truth and my values.

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Then I started my entrepreneurial journey completely over, but this time with God at the center!!🥹 Trust that nothing goes to waste.

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^{I can sum up my journey like this:
‍Part 1: deception met with denial
Part 2: insight without surrender to God
Part 3: connection without wholeness
Part 4: striving for freedom through work
Part 5: finally yielding to God}

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Real Healing

My thirsty soul was only truly quenched when I invited Jesus in, renounced new age spirituality, closed down one of my businesses (entertainment industry), and made a conscious decision to walk in His ways.

So when I look back at 2016 and the season leading up to some of my deepest wounds, I don’t resent it anymore. I am forgiven of much, and I have forgiven much as well. It's simply a part of the story now. I thank the version of myself who overcame the only way I knew how. And I thank God for His persistence and patience as I found my way back to His truth.

Now, I welcome the real healing journey❤️ I’m still being processed. I just thank God that I’m even saved at all.

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If you’re walking through a season riddled with confusion or rejection, you’re not broken or unlovable. You will get through it. Be careful what you reach for to cope. Not everything that soothes will heal, but God will meet you if you let Him. Please let Him.

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“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.— Philippians 4:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.— Proverbs 3:5

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.”— 1 Corinthians 3:19