I attended an Encounter retreat from August 3rd to 5th {2023} and it brought my damaged faith to the surface. Talk about ripping the band-aid off! I was invited by a friend and sister in Christ, Naomi, who has helped me and my partner learn the power of praying together.

As a "baby" Christian, I had promised myself that I would not rush anything. I don't want to just jump into a church without the Holy Spirit's leading. Some might call that an excuse. I really don't know if it is, but I just want to nurture this budding relationship without any influences that might startle or discourage me while I learn to walk. The fact is I had struggled with unbelief for some time. I'm aware that my belief is still fragile and in its infancy right now, and I'm determined to safeguard the seed planted in my heart. So when the opportunity to attend this retreat came up, truth be told, I hesitated. I thought, "Am I even prepared to be around so many on-fire believers right now?" At the same time I thought, "How could I confront my wounds if I keep myself safe from potential triggers?" I pushed forward knowing that it would probably be uncomfortable.

Heart Surgery

Bruce and I joined 46 other believers in a 3-day retreat of deliverance workshops and worship sessions. No distractions, just the church team, and the Holy Spirit. And let me tell you, we didn't just dip our toes in the water; we dove straight into the deep end. First things first, we heard raw testimonies from the team and pastors about their relationships with their fathers. It hit close to home for many of us. Our earthly dads, with their flaws and all, shape so much of how we view ourselves and others. We learned the similarities and differences between our fathers and our Heavenly Father. The team stood in the gap for each of us by speaking blessings into our lives. We went up one by one to receive loving words from a father figure in the church or in the community. PURE TEARS flooded the room as it was probably the first time hearing these life-giving, identity-forming words for many.

Our next activity was to write a letter to our Heavenly Father. We were encouraged to find anywhere in the room and to take our time with this letter. It was an open room with 'nuff space. Some stayed in their chairs, some sat on the floor and some found a lil corner. I walked around for a while and then finally sat by a table to write my letter. As I wrote the first words, I was interrupted. A prayer team member (let's call her Miss K) said that I could not sit by this table. I didn’t understand the issue. But out of obedience, I got up. She held my arm and started walking me to a different area. As we walked, the lead pastor (Pastor C) came out of NOWHERE and stopped us in our tracks. Mind you, she was at the front of the room. How did she even get to us in the back so quickly lol??? She told me to turn back around. She insisted that I went back to the table to write my letter. Miss K explained herself, but Pastor C didn't accept her reasoning. It was SOoooOo awkward!! I felt like such a burden for being a part of the first point of tension in the room. I already wanted to leave the retreat at that point. After a few minutes, I decided to push past it and not succumb to my feelings. I finally started my letter, and then the words started to flow. I wrote about that exact experience. With tears starting to well up, I realized that this was my first lesson during Encounter. God wanted me to know that I am WORTHY of having a seat at the table. Pastor C gave me the biggest hug at the end of the first night, and she reaffirmed that I was welcomed there. Little did I know I was only scratching the surface of a rejection wound.

The Devil is a Liar

The following day of the retreat was filled with back to back activities. We did a few deliverance workshops where we released many things from the past, within our bloodline and more. I learned so much!! Witnessing all of the transformations from people who had come into the retreat with a hardened, unforgiving heart, was so beautiful. There was a different type of light in their eyes. I must admit, I did feel discouraged that I wasn't feeling the same sense of freedom that they were. So I realized there's discouragement still in my heart.

A moment that tripped me up was when I realized that although I had opened myself up to the truth of Jesus last year, I never actually spoke out of my mouth that "I am a child of God". For the first time ever, I said it, but I didn't believe it in my heart. I went to an area by myself to pray because I couldn't understand why I felt so much dissonance when speaking those words out loud. One of the prayer leaders (Ms L) saw me and came over. She asked me to say what's on my heart. I started by saying Jesus, you are master of my life. I welcome you fully. I then repeated I am a child of God over and over, and she prayed in agreement for me. My body and face began to twitch! I never experienced that before. LOL not me manifesting!! Unfortunately, someone came and interrupted us while it was happening. It was at that moment that I realized the attack on my focus and breakthrough was REAL and ACTIVE. This person who interrupted us sat with me and asked what was happening. I explained and she was able to put 2&2 together with me. We came to understand that there was someone in my life that I had looked up to, who has a VERY powerful tongue. That person had labelled me as a counterfeit, a witch, and many other statements over the years. Understanding this gave me the context that I needed in order to break free from the lies spoken over my life and identity.

After this talk I sat back down with the rest of the attendees. We were asked to come to the front whenever we were ready to symbolically "nail our worries" to the cross. I watched my partner walk to the front and it brought me to tears. While I thanked God for his breakthrough, I still battled in my mind that I was not worthy enough to be in God's presence. I was one of the last people to go to the front. When I did, I was shaking so much, BUT I DID IT!

SHUT THE DOOR

This is Day 3! After worship and a few more teachings, the last activity on our agenda was to walk through a door, symbolically leaving all the things behind that we didn't want to bring with us on the other side. I took my time to prepare my heart in prayer. There was a new volunteer on this day that kept coming up to me to ask me if I was ready to walk through. I assured her I was okay for now and would go soon. I tried not to feel pressured, but I eventually gave in when the volunteer checked in with me after a 4th time. I knew in my heart I wasn't ready but I kept being pulled out of my time in worship. Tell me WHY as I got to the door, the lock was loose (it was one of those double doors with locks that go into the ceiling).

This meant the door was not staying in place. This didn't happen with anyone else. They were able to walk through and shut the door firmly. I spoke up for myself. I told them I wanted the door to fully be SHUT without both doors swinging back and forth when I walk through. While I know it was simply a symbolic activity, I felt in my heart like this one was too important. So the team member took me to a door that was working well. As I started to pray by this door, someone on the other side opened it and frightened me. At this point I just laughed it off, because I was no longer surprised about something like this happening. cha man. I started praying again from the start. And guess what!? After all of that, I walked through and SLAMMED THE DOOR BEHIND ME!!!!!! On the other side was Pastor Bob, who prayed for me.

To be honest my experience was far from perfect, but I'm SO THANKFUL for the challenges and pushing through it nonetheless. It was like a full-on preview of the silly little distractions that would discourage me from seeking and surrendering further.

The True Test

Once everyone walked through their door, we were officially done with the retreat! We took photos with our new friends and shared some of our revelations before we said our goodbyes. Remember Miss K that told me to move from the table on the first day? She stopped me before I left and hugged me tightly and wished me well. We hadn't spoken throughout the entire retreat since that incident. I felt like now my Encounter experience was truly complete. If we left without that moment, everything that was preached throughout those 3 days would've been in vain. We cannot call ourselves children of the One who has forgiven us, if we are unwilling to forgive others. The Holy Spirit did so many things. While I didn’t burst out crying or speaking in tongues,  He vindicated me, and helped build my backbone, taught me how to pray against generational strongholds, and restored a relationship that started off on the wrong foot. That's a major win.

Well.. the journey continues.

^‍

<sup>Core takeaways:
1. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. Claim it.
2. God commands us to forgive because he knows forgiveness brings peace to our hearts.
3. The power of confession and community can pull us out of the depths of shame and isolation.
4. It's not always about how you feel. It's about being firm in God's truth (while constantly strengthening your faith).
5. Once we are made aware of certain spirits, strongholds, and curses in our lives, we can name them and break free!
6. Stop comparing your walk with others. Be proud of their breakthroughs, while believing in God for yours in due time.
7. The devil is a liar and desperate to keep us from the truth. Press in when the enemy tries to distract or discourage you.</sup>

‍

‍