There’s something deeply unsettling about how far we’ll go to “fix” the surface while ignoring the chaos beneath. We see it in weight loss culture, plastic surgery, and even skin-lightening practices across the Caribbean. There is an obsession with external perfection, while the inner world quietly unravels.

For about three years, the mirror was my battlefield. Every time I looked at my reflection, I was confronting stress, insecurity, and inner turmoil that had nowhere else to go but through my skin. I was in my early twenties and felt trapped inside my own body. The acne was only the symptom. The real issue was a relentless internal conflict I didn’t yet know how to face {pun intended}. I avoided mirrors and hid behind filters.

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In hindsight, my acne also supported me by creating distance from people who weren't healthy for me, because I didn't want to be seen lol. It somehow worked because I didn't have healthy personal boundaries otherwise. This 3-year phase forced me to isolate and really look within. I couldn't see it in this way before, because at the time I was just insecure, and focused on trying to fix it.

During that season, I was in a relationship that looked good on the surface, but was full of blind spots. Or pimples, depending on how you look at it. I was blind to those for some reason. In that relationship, I was trained to silence my intuition, and I use the word trained intentionally. I learned to ask fewer and fewer questions because every time I tried to understand something, the distance between us grew. The more I asked, the more confused I became. The appearance of a healthy relationship mirrored my obsession with having clear skin. Both were cover-ups for deeper dysfunction.

So what happens when you ignore red flags? You lose parts of yourself little by little. You lose touch with reality. The body has an incredible way of manifesting what’s happening internally. My gut was already screaming at me, and what did I do? I threw a grenade at it in the form of heavy-duty acne medication—Accutane🫣. Not my greatest decision, but it’s hard to make good decisions when you’re constantly stressed and confused.

While taking Accutane, I developed a hiatal hernia that caused intense stomach pain, something I’m still healing to this day. My body was waving a white flag, begging me to stop, but I was focused on the external.

The first step in healing my soul and gut was learning and abiding by the beautiful word, "NO." That initial no felt impossible for me, but also like reclaiming a lost piece of myself. I was holding onto a relationship that didn't want me fully, yet wouldn't fully let me go. I also didn't have the confidence nor clarity to leave on my own, plus my boundaries were constantly challenged, until I put my foot down.

The final straw came when I was asked to consider an “open relationship,” only after I had photographic proof of what my gut had already been trying to tell me. Strangely, I wasn’t devastated when I saw the things I did. I was relieved. Relieved that I wasn’t crazy. That 'no' allowed me to say yes to my mental and emotional health. Finally, this was freedom for both of us. I say both because when you set yourself free, it frees the other person(s) from their dysfunction as well (unless they're a chronic narcissist, which requires a whole different post).

That quiet inner voice I had silenced for years never left. It was there all along, trying to guide me. From isolating myself, I began to glimpse the truth about myself and those around me. In the solitude after the breakup, I could finally hear my conscience again. With a clearer mind, and a lot of gut pain, I stopped taking the Accutane. I also decided to come off birth control, which I had been on since I was fourteen due to PCOS.

After almost a decade of hormone-altering medication + about 7 years of a rocky relationship, my body was finally free. No medicinal nor spiritual confusion. To my shock (and my doctor’s), my PCOS cleared up completely within a few months, without any changes to my diet or exercise. It was a healing I never expected.

⚠️ My sudden approach of coming off of medication is not for everyone, but there is immense wisdom in returning to the innate intelligence of our bodies. For me, it was the start of rekindling my relationship with my body.🌿

Wherever you are in your journey, I urge you to listen. Not to your heart, which can deceive, but to the small, still voice within. When you listen and follow through, that connection strengthens. When you don’t, life eventually forces you to listen, often through pain. Please don’t let it get to that point. There’s so much damage on the other side

Yes, as a result, we will still spend time recovering physically and mentally from past traumas and bad decisions, but rest in knowing that when you know better, you can do better, and then you can help others. Our experiences aren't just for us.

In the end, it was never about my skin. It was about the environment I was in and the confusion around me. I’m grateful for the lessons. If you’re in a situation that has muted your intuition, where you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, I pray you find the strength to break free, or better yet, the humility to have a breakdown and give it all to God. Though I didn't seek God in this season, He was still there trying to guide me.

Our bodies, and the Holy Spirit, are always waiting for us to listen. True healing doesn’t begin when we like our reflection. It begins when we remove the mask we’ve been hiding behind. Thank your body for supporting you through the process. It’s a gift to have a body that loves you enough to signal when something is wrong internally.

Listen.

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Father, I come before You, ready to face my reflection, both inside and out. As Your Word says in Psalm 139:14, 'I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' Help me to see myself through Your eyes, with love and compassion. Grant me the clarity and strength to release anything that hinders my growth and my walk with You. Let Your peace guide my heart as I seek healing and wholeness in Your presence. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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Self-Reflection Prompts

1. ^{‍How often do you listen to the signals your gut is sending—whether through physical discomfort or emotional intuition?}
2. ^{Are there relationships in your life that seem healthy on the surface but cause confusion or insecurity deep down? Are you willing to face the hard truth that this is not healthy?}
3. ^{Is there a “No” that you need to say to reclaim your mental and emotional health? What is holding you back from establishing clear boundaries, and how might this “No” lead you closer to God’s peace?‍}
4. ^{Have you ever made decisions that harmed your body (through medication, diet, or lifestyle) because you were too focused on quick fixes? How could you start making decisions that nurture your long-term health, even if they take more time and patience?}

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